February 29, 2004

This is where you can read the newsletters on the forum. Any replies are fair game to be put in the real thing.
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February 29, 2004

Post by kiri »

Come visit us at telnet://barren.coredcs.com:8000/
And our website at http://www.barrenrealmsmud.com/
As many of you have noticed, the Realms have been a little dead lately. I think this has to do with people's school schedules, but I'd like us to do something about it!
First off, I have a banner for anyone who would like to advertise us on their websites. Please email me and I will send it to you.
Secondly, please review us on http://www.topmudsites.com/cgi-bin/revi ... Realms+MUD as often as possible.
Thirdly, TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT US! If necessary, sit next to them at the computer to get them interested. ;)


Primo: how about a tent like thing that allows to drop under water so can remove scuba and sleep

Luc: show a players age on the profile thingy

Sasarai: some way to find out what level the current body limbs you have it for demons

Dryrrdlor: allow rescue to choose which mob you want to rescue players from. tanks should be able to fight more than just one enemy at a time. :)


Sasarai: An ability or a spell that lets you have vision enough to scan when its raining

Baltar wrote: That would sure be nice. Since Avians are supposed to have such good
vision -- and since they're a little light on the skills anyway --
maybe they should get it. Call it "improved scan" or something.

Smeagain wrote: alias improvedscan brief;birdseye n;birdseye e;birdseye s;birdseye w;birdseye u;birdseye d;brief
Article by Stars:

Smurfs Smell Bad

I’ve discovered something about Smurfs over the years since I’ve first heard of them. Smurfs smell bad. I’m not talking about the sort of bad smell that lingers for a while after the neighbors across the hallway cook something funky. No, I’m talking about the sort of raunchy decomposing rat guts kind of bad smell, the kind that sticks around like an overripe dead skunk. I look back to the day when, as a child, I saw those creepy little blue people singing and jumping around on TV. Although I never thought to consider the finer points of Smurf life as a kid, I have since gained an ever increasing curiosity about such unimportant things. Maybe it is a result of slaughtering the helpless creatures in Smurf Village here in Barren Realms. Maybe I’m just weird. Whatever the case, I have decided to put a little thought into the reasons behind the very odd Smurf lifestyle. And the conclusion I have come to is…

Smurfs stink.

Here’s the evidence, which I’ve formed into a series of questions:

1. Why are there no female Smurfs?
a. The only two female Smurfs are magical creations. Smurfette was created by Gargamel to mess with the Smurfs, and Sassette was created by the Smurflings so Smurfette wouldn’t feel lonely.
b. I can find no references to any “naturally” produced females. It doesn’t make sense that there should be only boys. I mean, where did they come from if they didn’t have mothers?
c. So, if there were indeed any girls before Smurfette, then they have chosen to stay away for some reason.
d. Everyone knows that girls care more about hygiene. It stands to reason that the men might drive away the girls with their lack of personal grooming.
e. Wallowing in their new male stench, the Smurf boys have since completely disregarded personal appearance…except maybe for Vanity Smurf who, with the flower in his hair, seems rather content about the lack of women.

2. Why would a full-grown man want to destroy these unimposing creatures?
a. Gargamel is a cunning and accomplished sorcerer.
b. It doesn’t make sense that such a man would spend time trying to kill little blue things, especially when he could use his talents for some other more profitable purpose.
c. Perhaps, it is because the Smurfs moved into his neighborhood and started stinking up the place. Rather than leaving the only home he has known, Gargamel would rather “clear the air” of this new menace.

3. Why does Azrael want to eat Smurfs so much?
a. Everyone knows that cats like nasty stinky things. Have you ever smelled an open can of cat food? It’s totally gross, but cats love it.
b. The stench of Smurfs probably attracts the cat, like a fly to a midden heap.

4. If the Smurfs smell so bad, then why don’t they seem to notice?
a. Like smoke rises towards the ceiling of a burning building, Smurf stench is lighter than air. Although, there is still a lot of stink down below, most of it has risen up to affect any poor sap tall enough to smell it. That’s why Gargamel suffers so much. He’s at the perfect height and has to walk around in a continuous putrid pungent cloud.
b. Smurfs have become so used to their own stench that they have become immune to it. It’s like entering a science room filled with the reek of formaldehyde. After a while, you don’t notice it as much.
c. It is like a form of defense. Stink bugs and skunks use their potent scents to ward off predators. Smurfs smell bad because it makes sense in an evolutionary sort of way.

And so, faced with the evidence above, it is obvious that Smurfs smell very bad, and this is the reason why Gargamel is so upset about it. One cannot blame the afflicted sorcerer with his obsession to rid the world of the terrible little stinkpots. Keep up the fight, I say. Dang Smurfs, smurfin’ up the place. They should smurf things up a little better, so there wouldn’t be so much smurf everywhere. You know what I’m smurfin’ talking about. Anyway, that’s the gist of it. So next time you hear that catchy jingle, then you’ll know they aren’t singing about how happy life is. No, the little blue turds are singing just to rub our faces in the fact that their odor could kill a water buffalo.


Any pertinent information (true, or otherwise warped) was collected from the official Smurf website – http://www.smurf.com/homepage.html

Kiri's WWW of URLS:

Some funny closings on the news - warning some are naughty


From Oakley, Desktop Imperium


Also from Oakley, a site of great deals


And from a player who did not include her name in her email -- a puzzle site (she and I have the answers to be posted next week)



How Not to Die
Attila the Hun:

One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.


Tycho Brahe:

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.


Horace Wells:

Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide

While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.


Francis Bacon:

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken

One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.


Jerome Irving Rodale:

Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods.

Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.



A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.


Jim Fixx:

Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.


And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.

While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.
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