Can you guys please give me constructive criticism on this?

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Post by Slart »

In no particular order:

- The first paragraph says why you are writing, then why they should care, then why you care, then why they should care again. I would probably make the third sentence second and vice versa.

- It would probably also be worthwhile to beef up the sentence explaining why you're interested in them. It will be at least as important to their HR folks as why you think they should be interested in you.

- It's "interpersonal," not "intrapersonal." Saying that you have strong intrapersonal skills means that you are very good at talking to yourself.

- I would combine the second and third paragraphs, then rework the last sentence of the third paragraph and move it into the last paragraph. Possibly this sentence should be two sentences. At the very least there's a grammar error in there:

" qualities and experience has prepared me..."

This should be "have." You wouldn't say "My dogs and cat runs around like crazy."

- Also in that second (and third) paragraph, it is good to list a range of accomplishments, but if you have any one particularly impressive bullet point, you should definitely list that as well. Like DB said, you want the HR person to remember you as "the person who did X." It's the easiest way to make an impression. Perhaps one of the grants you secured would be a good choice.

- It will be annoying but possibly worthwhile to get yourself an email address with your actual name in it for professional correspondence (not that I bothered to do so when I was looking for a job).

Less worthwhile nits/questions:

- I don't know the details of the protocol in your profession, but specifically mentioning your J.D. after already stating that you are a member of the bar seems redundant to me as a non-lawyer. Mentioning your school is a good idea, but doesn't saying you're a member of the bar imply that you graduated?

- Should bar be capitalized? Again, I don't know.
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Post by Kitsune »

(after reading your blog...)

Often, I ask for help on various things, but what I sometimes get is way too much help, such that it backfires. Especially for speaking Japanese. I get so many tips and pointers that I feel like I am completely incapable of the task at hand. Unfortunately, this sometimes leads me to become upset at that helping person for reasons best described as "my ego hurts and you look like a good target." So, basically, what I am trying to say is, I hope we haven't thrown so much advice at you that you are planning a horrible fate for us, or, worse yet, are getting frustrated.

Even your first draft was better than most of the stuff I put together. ;) (Is that wise to say when I am supposedly helping?)

As the locals say, "GANBARE!" (Do your best!) :D
"If you have a right to someone else's approval, then they do not have a right to their own opinions and values." - Dr. Thomas Sowell
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Post by kiri »

Thanks everyone for all of your help, and especially Kitsune who has a keen and scary insight into my head.

I sent it to my dad and he has a few more tweaks, so it appears today I should be able to get the first batch out. *crosses fingers*
My blog is located at:
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