Watch words:
It's "a lot" never "alot". Two words!
It's = it is. Its = possession. If you get stuck, plug in "it is" and see if it still makes
sense. If you are still stuck, see help apostrophe while in game.
They're (They are) great to eat. Have you been There? Their computer is slower than a slug.
Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun. You Affect something to have an Effect.
Lay requires an object. You lay your head in your hands and scream.
Lie NEVER has an object. You can lie down, but not not not lie something down.
Also lie happens to be a verb as in, to fib.
Than is a comparison, then is related to time. As in "He had more than enough cake for dessert
and then it was time to go."
There should be no "is here" in your room descriptions, get rid of 'em.
Good building is not automatic. Writing, revision, and proofreading are
paramount to creating an excellent area. To this end, the following is
a collection of room descriptions of varying quality with explanations
geared towards assessing and correcting troublesome rooms.
The secret chamber
[Exits: South]
You are in a secret chamber.
The words secret and chamber in the room title need to be capitalized.
Besides being abysmally short, the room description adds nothing to the
room that the title did not. If it can be helped, try to use synonyms in
the room desc so that you aren't repeating yourself. This may even help
give you ideas of more things to say in the room. Notice the use of "You"
in the description. Inevitably a sentence with the word you in it can be
written in a stronger way. Taking these thoughts into account, let's see
if we can't improve this "room".
The Secret Chamber(Revised)
[Exits: South]
Full of choking dust, this hidden room is cobwebbed with gossamer strands of spider lace.
etc..
Details are your friends. If you assume it takes one idea per sentence, and
you need at least 4 lines of text per room, this means you only need to come
up with three or four ideas to write a nice full room description.
The Hole
[Exits: West Down]
A hole in the cave floor leads down here.
Along with being far too short, this room, like the secret chamber above, is unnecessarily
repeative between the room title and description. Of interest to us though, is the
use of the word "here". Be wary any time you find the word "here" in your room
descriptions for it is almost always unnecessary.
The Hole(Revised)
[Exits: West Down]
A natural shaft polished from flowing water leads down. etc.
In this case we still feel wanting for more, but that's not because of the removal
of the word "here", but rather because it fails to fully describe the scene. Ideally,
if further expanded the sentence would tell us what it leads down too, or at least it
would be the last sentence of the room, indicating one of the exits rather than be
the primary part of a room description.
The Foothills End
[Exits: North South]
At this point you are leaving the foothills. You see a plains area
to the north of here. You can spot a small city in the distance from
here.
Notice again, the use of "here". Both of these sentences read better without them.
(You see a plains area to the north. You can spot a small city in the distance.)
Again also, we have the use of the word "you" which is sloppy writing. However, the
worst violation of this room is its lack of multiple directionality. If a player
enters from the south heading north it sounds fine, but if they are leaving the city
and entering the foothills...
Near Some Ugly Foothills(Revised)
[Exits: North South]
The narrow path that crosses the Hideous Foothills of Gorgath appears
partially paved as it traverses the grasslands of the north. Far in the
distance, a small city struggles despite the dry heat that bakes this
forsaken land.
The Hole
[Exits: East North Down]
You are at a small hole in the floor, you can either leave north
or try your luck and leave down into the unknown!
This room would read poorly if you entered from below or from the north. It
repeats the title again in the description needlessly, and of course, like
so many badly written rooms, we have our old friend "you" paying us a visit.
However, that is not why I chose this room for an example. Notice the
exclamation point at the end of the sentence and how it completely failed to
add any sense of fear to the room. All this room really needs is some cheesy
horror music in the background to accompany the text. Don't fall into the
same trap. If you want something to be scary, show us, don't tell us.
Above a Dark Hole(Revised)
[Exits: East North Down]
The foul stench of rotting flesh emanates from the dank pit in the center of
the room. Any light that is directed towards the yawning void is swallowed by
the deep shadows. For the briefest of moments a thick guttural scream rends the
silence before cutting off in an unpleasant gurgling.
The Damp Tunnel
[Exits: East North West]
You are in a damp tunnel. Your clothes feel wet. The tunnel continues
to the north; to the west you see a hole in the floor; and to the east
there is a large cave.
This is common problem in many rooms. The sentences are short and uninteresting,
and they manage to explain everything around the room, but not what's in it.
Ideally, these sentences would be used for exit descriptions and this room would
be completely rewritten. If you find yourself adding a lot of "to the north" and
"to the south" rooms, take a break and come back later with a better picture of
what is IN the room rather than what is around it. Remember, you only need three
details to make a room, so put some thought into it.
On a Dart Rode
[Exits: North South]
Ewe art no a dark toad. Their is two little light too sea. Awl around
its Erie. Haha you die soon!
Spellchecking is your friend, but only if you proofread.
End of a Long Hallway
[Exits: North South]
The strange rune covered walls of this hallway emit a faint magical glow
which provides enough light to see by. A lesser guardian is here keeping
silent watch on the entrance to the levels above.
How much sense would this room make if the guardian is killed by a player?
Any descriptions in a room about a mob should be left for the mob desc not
the room.
Getting picky.
Even if your room doesn't break any of the rules, that doesn't mean you can't
do something to improve it. One of the most common mistakes is disturbing the
flow of a room by jumping around. (The tall branches of a tree are moss covered,
the pebbled ground is well trampled, the birds high in the sky are chirping, some
water runs by in a small stream.) We look up, then down, then up, then down.
This isn't how people survey a room, they look left to right, or up to down, or
near and then far, but not up, down, up, down, or near, far, near, far etc.
Try to describe your room in a sweeping arc that moves from one direction to another
rather than jumping back and forth.
Rooms often have this same problem with describing senses. Sight then smell, then
sight, then touch, then sight again. Ugh. Describing the room with as many
senses as you can is good, but try to group them all together. What do the
players see? Then what do they smell? Then what do they hear? Rather than
mixing them all together.
How does all of this work when revising your own rooms? Lari was kind enough
to volunteer a sample room from her area, Aegina, so that we could observe the
revision process.
In Front of the Fortune Tellers Tent
[Exits: East West]
A small dirt path runs along the hedge ending in a gold lettered sign beside
a colorful tent. Small white star flowering jasmine surround the structure,
filling the air with their sweet perfume and mixing with the scent of pine
wafting from the forest to the north. Festival music, laughter, and
conversation can be heard from the center of the island.
So what was wrong with this room? Not much, unless your being really picky.
Notice the way the words at the end of the room description line up? If you
can help it, try to line up the sentences in your rooms so that you don't have
any really obvious gaps. This is more of a problem in long room descriptions
where the text jumps back and forth. Line it up, make it purty.
In Front of the Fortune Tellers Tent
[Exits: East West]
A small dirt path runs along the hedge ending in a gold lettered sign beside
a colorful tent. Small white star flowering jasmine surround the structure,
filling the air with their sweet perfume and mixing with the thick scent of
pine wafting from the nearby forest. Lively festival music, hearty laughter,
and conversation can be heard from the center of the island.
Now, Lari has added some adjectives and altered the wording to better line up the
text. Notice, the focus on line lengths has forced her to think more carefully
about what she wanted to say and as a result the writing has also improved.
However, by adding some adjectives, she has thrown one part of the room out of
balance. The last sentence flows as adjective noun, adjective noun, noun. The last
noun is missing an adjective like the first two. Often readers will notice
subconsciously these sorts of balance issues. Rooms that seem to flow perfectly
balance throughout the room description.
In Front of the Fortune Tellers Tent
[Exits: East West]
A small dirt path runs along the hedge ending in a gold lettered sign beside
a colorful tent. Small white star flowering jasmine surround the structure,
filling the air with their sweet perfume and mixing with the thick scent of
pine wafting from the nearby forest. Lively festival music, hearty laughter
and snatches of conversation can be heard from the center of the island.
Now the room is finished. Notice it flows from near to far, sight to scent to sound
without hopping about. There is no use of "You" and the room works perfectly regardless
of direction. You could even misteleport into the room and it makes sense. By adding
the descriptor "snatches" to conversation, the last sentence now balances and as an
added bonus the room lines up.